sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
