gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
