Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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