im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
