Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
