The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
