Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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