Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
