I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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