this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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