that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
