dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
