yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
