Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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