theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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