you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
