No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
