i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
