____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
