At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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