where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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