I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
