Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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