Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
