I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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