I just saw a hot homeless man
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
