I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
