I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
