last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
