he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
