I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
