I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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