just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
