I'm so fucking centered right now
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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