Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize