Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
