im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?