erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i dont even know how to be here
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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