I met the friendliest cop last night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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