He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
