The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
