We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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