saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
