Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
