Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My penis needs a shock collar
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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