you didnt know i had herpes?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I stole a fireplace last night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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