she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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