My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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