Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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