mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
