When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
