This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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