did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
