I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think people are normalizing furries
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
