he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
