believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
