When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
