There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
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Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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