it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
